Why Forgiving Yourself Is So Hard?

A recent study from Flinders University has uncovered why many people find it so hard to forgive themselves, even when doing so could improve their mental well-being. Published in the journal Self and Identity, the research focused on the real-life experiences of individuals who remained trapped in feelings of guilt and shame after mistakes or difficult situations.

Researchers examined the personal accounts of 80 participants, comparing those who were eventually able to forgive themselves with those who felt it was impossible.

The findings showed that people who continued to struggle often described the event as feeling vivid and immediate, even if it had taken place years earlier.

Many reported reliving the situation repeatedly, feeling unable to move forward, and wrestling with powerful emotions such as guilt, regret, shame, and self-blame.

Professor in Psychology and lead author, Professor Lydia Woodyatt, says the findings show that self-forgiveness is far more complex than simply “letting go.”

“Self-forgiveness isn’t about just moving on or forgetting what happened,” says Professor Woodyatt, from the College of Education, Psychology and Social Work.

“People who forgave themselves still thought of the events from time to time, and still sometimes felt shame or guilt, especially if they were in a situation that reminded them of the event. The difference was that the emotions were much less intense and frequent, and the event no longer controlled their life.”

The group also made a conscious effort to focus on the future, accept their limitations (especially of knowledge, judgment, or control at the time), and reconnect with their values moving forward.

In contrast, the research showed that people who felt they had failed someone they cared for—such as a child, partner, or friend—or who had been victims themselves, often found it hardest to move on.

Professor Woodyatt says this challenges the idea that self-forgiveness is only for people who have clearly done something wrong.

“Sometimes self-condemnation, guilt, and shame arise when wrong is done to us, or in situations where we feel a heightened sense of responsibility – even if there is no way we could control the outcome,” she says.

“Emotions are a clue to what the brain needs to resolve in order to move on from self-condemnation. Emotions are the hurt that indicates the site of the possible injury, if you will.

“In the case of shame, guilt and self-condemnation, this is about our brain helping to work through moral injury – that is core threats to psychological needs like agency (such as a sense of choice, control and autonomy) and our need for belonging (such as being an appropriate group member or relationship partner) and live according to those shared values.”

The study also found that self-forgiveness is not a one-time decision, but a process that takes time, reflection, and often support from others.

Professor Woodyatt says the findings are important for mental health professionals who work with people dealing with guilt and shame.

“Helping someone forgive themselves isn’t about telling them – ‘don’t feel ashamed for this, it’s not your fault’,” she says.

“It’s about helping them understand where that shame or guilt is coming from, and working through those underlying psychological needs, moving from moral injury to moral repair – reaffirming their sense of agency and moral identity moving forward.”

Criminologist and psychologist Dr Melissa de Vel-Palumbo says the study offers valuable insights for criminologists by revealing how people process guilt and responsibility—key factors in understanding offending behavior and rehabilitation.

“In this research, we drew on real stories from people reflecting on painful experiences, some going back decades,” says Dr de Vel-Palumbo from Flinders’ College of Business, Government and Law. “That gave us a unique window into how people actually live with guilt, sham,e and self-blame over time.”

4155/v